She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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