We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
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