Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
