Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
