I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
