I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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