Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
i think my cat just said my name.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
