I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
