I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
