Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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