I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
