Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize