my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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