Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
third nipple confirmed
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
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