tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
