So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
