Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Semen is not good for contacts.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
