did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Randomize
