I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
My penis needs a shock collar
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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