i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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