Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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