She announced her abortion via fbk
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
