South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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