every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
