This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
