i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize