Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
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