I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
