the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
