You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
