We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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