you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Randomize
