I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
