i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
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