Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
