the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Randomize
