Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
we're making bets on your personal life
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
