I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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