if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
