my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
