____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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