So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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