she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
