why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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