i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
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