I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
be right there i have to get my cape
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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