I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
