You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
