If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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