his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
