I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Randomize
