i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
