What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
