I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
