Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
