Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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