I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
