Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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