I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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