Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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