I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
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