porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
